Today my heart is heavy…
as it is the anniversary of my dad’s death. 2 yrs ago today he passed, in one sense I can’t believe it’s been 2 years and in some aspects it seems like it’s been a lot longer.
I was on the fence on whether or not I would do a post on this. I have been struggling this week, well if I’m being honest I’ve been struggling for about a month now – since mid-March. That was when it all started – he got sick we found out he didn’t have long to live and 5 weeks and 2 days later he was gone. But it didn’t happen quite that simple. There was sooooo much turmoil. My mom has dementia and so trying to handle her, and help take care of my dad was mind blowing exhausting.
At the time I just did it, I didn’t think, I immediately jumped back into my role of caretaker and just did what needed to be done. My mom mostly wanted me (I have been the one she has leaned on a lot when was growing up and a young adult) so whenever one of my brothers couldn’t handle her I got a call to take over. My sisters were all at a distance and did not partake in the care taking, they came to visit and left. Not that it mattered because again my mom wanted me and you can’t reason with someone who has dementia no matter how hard you try. Not her fault her whole world was being turned upside down.
The last night was the worst. My dad was really bad couldn’t walk or get out of bed, was constantly choking and throwing up fluid and my mom was just off the wall because with dementia you need routine and well she was not getting it. It was not her fault but it was a nightmare. My one brother was staying over night with me that night. I don’t even know what time it got to because 1 hour seemed like it lasted the whole night. It was constant go upstairs because my mom wanted to go to bed, run down stairs bc my dad is choking – ugh. The details are unimportant at this point it just seemed like time drug on and on. I will say that my brother who was with me – one that the family does not look highly upon for stupid judgmental reasons was a ROCK that night. He helped me with my dad and handled my mom like a pro, so much love and compassion and tenderness. I thank God he was there with me!
You know how when 2 people share an unbelievable traumatic experience it bonds you – like forever because you were both there, you lived it together – well that’s us!
The ironic thing about my dads death is that even though we were never close it’s hard, it’s sad, it’s all those feelings all over again from 2 years ago. As I write this I am not looking for sympathy I am just sharing my story, and that if you have a loved one who’s “death” anniversary comes up and you are all kinds of emotions and sadness – I get you! Mostly I would like to share a few pics of my dad with all of you and to have them on here as a memory. Although he was not the greatest dad, I loved him, he was my dad.
This was an old painting done of my dad when he was in the Air Force.
Me with my parents at my brother’s house probably about 6 years ago.
This is almost my whole family one sister is missing in this photo
I thought you would all enjoy this throw back to when Elias was just 5 months old – I was 20 Yes I had long hair and a bit of an 80s style haha – don’t judge
This is a photo of my parents at my first wedding – yes they are a little bit country for sure! 🙂
This song reminds me of my parents so much, I wanted to share it with all of you. They were married for 60 years. I would not say it was 60 years of bliss but I know that in their own ways they loved each other. They both came to their partnership with their own baggage and sometimes people never learn to unload it and get over it.
and a photo of my mom and I the week after my dad passed. This is the last photo I have at their home – the home I grew up in. Yes she is drinking Starbucks with a ton of sugar haha – it became my ritual in the morning after my dad passed ….stop and grab us both coffee at Starbucks before I headed to her house.
A life time of memories with my dad ended for me at the age of 43 – seems too young to lose a parent, but when you are the youngest of a large family you get the least amount of time with your parents.
Thank you dear friends for once again allowing me to share my life with you, and for taking your precious time to spend with me. xxoo- Sherry